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Disclaimer: I don’t own any characters or places from Lord of the Rings. They belong to the brilliant J.R.R. Tolkien.
Chapter 1 From: mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net To: big_blue_eyes@luv_my_gardener.com Frodo, five words- DO NOT PUT ON THAT RING!!!! Just because the Shire is so carefree and undangerous doesn’t mean the rest of middle earth is too!!! -Gandalf P.S. I’m coming over for tea in two hours. From: big_blue_eyes@luv_my_gardener.com To: gardening_is_my_life@frodo_protection.net What does he mean the Shire’s an undangerous place?!! Evidentially Gandalf doesn’t know about the time I pricked myself with a thorn or about the time I fell off my chair. How’s that called undangerous?!!! Can you e-mail Gandalf for me and tell him Frodo thinks you’re stupid because “do not put on that ring” is 7 words not 5? Thanks a lot. -Frodo From: gardening_is_my_life@frodo_protection.net To: mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net Frodo says you’re stupid because “do not put on that ring” is 7 words not 5. Also, you might want to know that Merry and Pippin found one of your fireworks from Bilbo’s party lying in the grass. They blew up some hobbit children and a kitty with it. They didn’t suffer any damage, but they’re a little stunned. Poor kitty… -Sam From: multi_colored@orthanc_barad_dur.net To: mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net Gandalf, I want to show you the new multi-colored robe I got at the Men’s Macy’s. Can you come over tonight? I’m cooking spaghetti. -Saruman From: mithrandir@grey_pirgrim.net To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_u_losers.net Aragorn, Can you meet my hobbit friends at Bree? Saruman insisted on showing me every robe and hair clip he owned. Now he’s making me stand on his tower and watch him rip down all of his trees. I might be a little late. Have to see if Gwaihir can pick me up later. -Gandalf From: orc_fighter@kick_butt_u_losers.net To: big_blue_eyes@luv_my_gardener.com Coming over to pick you guys up at Bree. Can you pretend to be scared just so I can keep my reputation? It’d help if people at Bree didn’t think rangers were nice to hobbit midgets. -Strider From: big_blue_eyes@luv_my_gardener.com To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_u_losers.net We are NOT midgets!!!! -Frodo, Sam, and Merry (Pippin thinks he’s a squirrel right now. He drank too much ale today.) From: mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net To: eagle_king@eagles_rule_all.net Can you pick me up? I kind of got myself stuck on Saruman’s tower. Getting awfully bored of watching Saruman rip down trees. -Gandalf Chapter Two From: chiefexpredative@taxisforalloccasions.net To: Mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net Gandalf, Dude! Like HOW did you get yourself stuck on a tower? I’m a very busy eagle here, forever answering calls like ‘Gwaihir! Help me save my kitty!’ ‘Gwaihir! Help! I’m stuck in a tree!’ ‘Gwaihir! Help me do my hair!’ Don’t you think someone ever gets tired of this? Sheesh! P.S. I’ll pick you up at four. -Gwaihir From: evenstar@steal_glorfindels_horse.com To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_u_losers.net Estel! Ada says you’re coming home! Elladan and Elrohir are bugging me. I think I’ll go stea- I mean err… borrow asfoloth and meet you outside Rivendell. P.S. Don’t tell Glorfindel. -Arwen From: serious_pippin@troubled_laughingstock.net To: big_blue_eyes@love_my_gardener.net. Frodo! HI HI HI HI HI!!!!! -Pippin From: big_blue_eyes@love_my_gardener.net. To: serious_pippin@troubled_laughingstock.net Pippin! You’re sitting right next to me!!!!! -Frodo From: Arwen_stole_my_horse@Rivendell_rules.com To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net Estel, I think arwen stole my horse. Asfoloth disappeared the same day she did. Do you know anything about this? -Glorfindel From: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net To: evenstar@steal_glorfindels_horse.com Arwen, Glorfindel suspects something. When are you going to get here? Hobbit midgets getting awfully annoying. Pippin keeps on breaking into my store of ale and mushrooms. Stupid me, why did I bring mushrooms in the first place? - Estel From: Big_blue_eyes@love_my_gardener.net To: cough_drops@stupid_shieldmaiden.com Witch King, You seriously need cough drops. And when’s the last time you brushed your teeth? Your breath stinks. -Frodo From: twin_power@trouble_is_awesome.net To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net Estel! Hey bro! Just stole Ada’s laptop. When are you coming back? We need someone to tease. Arwen ran away, might have been because I kept on stealing her hair clips. Uh oh… Ada’s coming. Gotta run! -Elladan From: bow_and_arrow@elven_prince_fights.com To: anger_management@mirkwood_ownz_Rivendell.com Ada, I’m setting off on journey to destroy ugly gold ring. Might not be back for a while. Now I’m stuck with four very annoying hobbits, especially Pippin, two men who don’t know fashion, a dwarf with ugly chunky braids, and a wizard with an ugly pointy hat. -Legolas From: shield_like_dinner_plate@Gondor_ownz_Mordor.com To: ithilien_prince@banished_from_minas_tirith.com Fari, I’m going on very important mission to destroy the one ring. I said it should go to Gondor but stupid ranger who claims to be the heir of Isildur had to disagree. I hope father isn’t giving you a hard time. -Boromir From: evenstar@steal_glorfindels_horse.com To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net Why’d you go away?!!! Now Elladan and Elrohir will annoy me again, since they can’t annoy you. Please come back soon! I think they stole my hair clips again. -Arwen Chapter 3 From: multi_colored@orthanc_barad_dur.net To: mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net Gandalf, Found very nice guy via palantir. Said his name was bob. Don’t believe him. I asked him for a picture. Gave me a picture of a big fiery eye. Oh well… He taught me how to make big huge avalanches today! You wanna see? No? Well, I’ll show it to you anyways. I always wanted to bury that pointed hat of yours in snow… -Saruman From: evenstar@steal_glorfindels_horse.com To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net Estel, Glorfindel’s really mad at me now… How come Elladan and Elrohir always get away with everything they do and I don’t?!!! It’s not fair. Please come back… Now Glorfindel’s stealing my hair clips too… -Arwen From: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net To: vilya_bearer@Rivendell_ownz_mirkwood.net Elrond, Why did you hafta send me with these hairy footed midgets?!!! Pippin very annoying, keeps on acting like squirrel when he’s drunk… he’s drunk VERRRRRRRRY often. Boromir keeps on whacking me with his dinner plate shield. Stupid shield. -Estel From: serious_pippin@troubled_laughingstock.net To: big_blue_eyes@luv_my_gardener.com Mushrooms are good! -Pippin From: Big_blue_eyes@love_my_gardener.net To: serious_pippin@troubled_laughingstock.net Pippin! Stop it!!!! –Frodo From: vilya_bearer@Rivendell_ownz_mirkwood.net To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net Estel, Stop complaining or I’ll tell Galadriel to bonk you on the head next time she sees you. Galadriel bonks very hard. Trust me… I know. Had nice tea party with Figwit today. Discovered that Figwit cannot make tea for his life. Tea tasted like rotten carrots. Note to self: Do not have tea party with Figwit. -Elrond From: bow_and_arrow@elven_prince_fights.com To: anger_management@mirkwood_ownz_Rivendell.com Ada, I’m in Moria right now. Very dark. Can’t see. Stole laptop from chunky braided dwarf. Dwarf very angry, threatened to steal bow and arrows while I was sleeping. Yea right. Like he can sneak up on me when his steps sound like kettle drums. Gold ring still very ugly. Sauron has no sense of fashion. -Legolas From: serious_pippin@troubled_laughingstock.net To: Big_blue_eyes@love_my_gardener.net Me like squirrels… Squirrels are cool! Yay squirrels! -Pippin From: Big_blue_eyes@love_my_gardener.net To: serious_pippin@troubled_laughingstock.net I give up… –Frodo From: flame_of_Udun@Sauron_lives.com To: mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net Gandalf, Stupid you, you killed me!!!! On second thought… being dead isn’t that bad. Met some other big, evil, and ugly creatures just like me! Played cards… and lost. Had a who is the evilest contest… and lost again. Had a who is the ugliest contest. I won! Yay! -Balrog From: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net To: annoying_Elrond@break_stuff_yay_fun.net Elrohir, Gandalf fell off cliff during fight with Balrog. Suspect he did it because he got sick of Gimli bugging him. Doesn’t seem like a bad idea now… Oh well. Took bubble bath in fountain in Lothlorien. Found out elvish soap is very nice. Galadriel very irked. Threatened to bonk me on the head if she sees me near her fountain again. Do not want to see how hard Galadriel bonks people. Me sad… left favorite rubber ducky in fountain. -Estel From: possessed ringbearer at luv my gardener dot com To: I_want_adventures@hobbit_hole.com Bilbo! So, how’s life? Mithril shirt came in handy. Found out it is very fun to fake my own death. I should do it again someday. Lothlorien very pretty. Aragorn took a bath today. Galadriel got very irked. Don’t know why, he was starting to smell bad. -Frodo P.S. I changed my e-mail address. Pippin kept on junk mailing me. From: unnoticed_husband@Lothlorien_wood.net To: vilya_bearer@Rivendell_ownz_mirkwood.net Elrond, Very boring in Lothlorien. Galadriel gets all the attention. Just because I sit around, doing nothing, and I’m not special in any way doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get attention too! Piffle. The world is so unfair. -Celeborn From: shield_like_dinner_plate@Gondor_ownz_Mordor.com To: ithilien_prince@banished_from_minas_tirith.com Fari, Lothlorien very pretty. Aragorn got in trouble when he bathed in Galadriel’s fountain. Ha ha ha. Dwarf very annoying. Am strangely tempted to have a dwarf tossing contest… I would win, not that stupid Aragorn git. He doesn’t deserve to be king, I should be king. ME! Think I’ll go try to steal ring from Frodo. Gold ring very shiny… -Boromir Chapter 4 From: ithilien_prince@banished_from_minas_tirith.com To: shield_like_dinner_plate@Gondor_ownz_Mordor.com Boromir, Never knew you were into shiny jewelry. Sorry I didn’t respond to your last e-mail. Father took away my laptop privileges when he found out I was using his credit card to buy useless products off of eBay. Stole Imrahil’s laptop, and hid it under my pillow. Pillow very hard and uncomfortable now. -Fari From: big_bad_Balrog@flaming_demons_are_cool.com To: mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net Gandalf, Found out from one of my evil minions that white is the new black this year. Go buy yourself something white. Amusing myself by having various contests with the other dead people, found out that everyone here besides Bob the sparrow is eviler than me… ok! I admit it! Bob is eviler than me too. -Balrog From: shield_like_dinner_plate@Gondor_ownz_Mordor.com To: ithilien_prince@banished_from_minas_tirith.com Fari, What can I say? I died heroically trying to save two hobbit midgets. Being dead is cool. Played poker with Isildur, Balrog, and Bob the sparrow. I’m convinced that Bob cheated. How did a sparrow beat me?!!! Whacked him on the head with my dinner plate shield. Hope to see you soon! (just kidding) -Boromir From: multi_colored@orthanc_barad_dur.net To: I_see_you@Mordor_ownz_all.com Bob! (though I suspect you’re Sauron), Uruk-Hai fought with fellowship today. Humans dead: one. Uruk-Hai dead: three hundred. Go Uruk-Hai! Suspect human died on purpose to get away from annoying dwarf. Saw him having dwarf tossing contest in Lothlorien the other day. Why wasn’t I invited? -Saruman From: Stupid_elves@fighting_shortie.net To: Lothlorien_gal@Lothlorien_ownz_mirkwood_and_Rivendell.com Galadriel, Was it your idea to have a dwarf tossing contest?!!! Why couldn’t we play hide the helmet instead? Boromir dead. Ah well. Good riddance. Caught him purposely whacking people with that dinner plate shield of his. -Gimli From: evenstar@steal_glorfindels_horse.com To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net Estel, Suspect that Ada is planning to put me on a ship to the undying lands in my sleep. Am not sleeping now. Ada very annoyed. When are you coming back? Figwit very annoying now too. Keeps on offering me his rotten carrot tea. Why is every elf in Rivendell annoying me?!!!! I’m completely out of shiny hair clips now. -Arwen From: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net To: evenstar@steal_glorfindels_horse.com Arwen, Just got rid of annoying hobbit midgets and stupid Boromir who kept on whacking people with that dinner plate shield of his. Now I’m stuck with a dwarf shortie with chunky braids and a nancy elf. Why did I join this fellowship of the ring in the first place? Stupid me. Stupid fellowship. Not coming back till I’m king. Elladan and Elrohir are even more annoying than that stupid dwarf. -Estel P.S. Stole some of legolas’s hair clips. Sending them over right now. Legolas very upset now… searching whole camp for his hair clips. From: possessed_ringbearer@luv_my_gardener.com To: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net Strider, Except for the fact that we’re walking straight into the enemy’s territory, and that we will most likely get killed by evil, smelly orcs, and also that we have a one in a trillion chance of surviving this, we are perfectly fine. Don’t worry about us… though I will personally kill you if we die on this trip. Otherwise, the world is very happy today. -Frodo From: orc_fighter@kick_butt_you_losers.net To: possessed_ringbearer@luv_my_gardener.com Frodo, I seriously advise you to go see a physiatrist. I heard that Sauron used to be one before he turned into an evil flaming eye. -Strider From: bow_and_arrow@elven_prince_fights.com To: mithrandir@grey_pilgrim.net Gandalf! I really need you. The Rohirrim only gave us two horses. I have to share a horse with Gimli! You wouldn’t like it either if you were riding with a smelly dwarf breathing on you. My poor ears. When he breathes, it’s like listening to thunder rumbling. No wonder you “died” because you were sick of Gimli. It sounds like a good idea now. -Legolas |